Some people think women’s lives are super-easy, because all we have to think about is make-up and boys and making ourselves look pretty with make-up so a boy will want to marry us. Well, good point – sometimes amid the giddy whirl of perfume and pretty dresses I think, “All those feminists are so silly! Being a girl is just non-stop fun!” But then I glance in the mirror, and a dark shadow falls across my soul. You all know what I’m talking about – the pain of the muffin top, which is the medical term for the squished-up roll of chub that appears above the waistband of tight jeans or skirts. “The scourge of women’s lives”, is how the Express describes it, quite rightly.
Some people simplistically suggest that the best solution for the muffin top is to wear looser clothing. Those people are amoral quacks. Thank God someone has finally taken women’s suffering seriously and invented this exciting new method of liposuction, which involves slightly less bruising and scarring and maybe even a reduced risk of death. We were so happy about this we forgot to understand the last part of the article, which talks about the NHS postcode lottery for “ear reductions” for children. What? Never mind, I have to go and squeeze myself into this size 10 skirt and cry.
Try to ignore the alarming/possibly slanderous typo suggesting that international humanitarian, actor and masturbation fantasy topic Angelina Jolie, 34, aims to “raise the plight of the refugees”. That is beneath us, right now. What is really inspiring about this article is the last paragraph, where we learn to our horror that Jolie, 34, selfishly left Brad Pitt looking after their kids in order to go and do some work. Yes – for what must have been a number of agonising hours, the kids were in sole care of their father and a team of nannies. Even worse, Brad had to miss a premiere of his new film so that selfish, selfish Angelina, 34, could go gallivanting off to a refugee camp, which everyone knows are no better than bordellos. We fear for their children, who may be misled into thinking that childcare is a shared responsibility and that it’s OK for women to have interesting and busy jobs. Although hopefully the beneficial effects of having a professionally starved sex symbol as a mother will cancel out any crazy ideas they might get from her wicked irresponsible ways.
Mischa Barton is too fat — No wait — Misha Barton is, in fact, too thin. Hang on, this just in — Mischa Barton has put on weight, is now too fat. Woah there Mischa! You’d better stop piling on the pounds, no one likes a fatty fat fatfaced lardarse… That’s right… No wait, now you’ve gone and lost too much weight again! Ugh, look at you, your tits have disappeared, we can count your ribs, you’re a disgrace. Eat an icecream, why don’t you? Good girl… Keep eating… Stop! No, a little too much there. No, that’s enough! You’re enormous! Look at you, you disgusting eight-stone monster! Lose some weight! Order a salad or something, with the dressing on the side, dressing has calories in it you know. You do know? Of course you do. Good old Mischa Barton, now she’s just per– Ah, Mischa, you’ve overdone it, you’re way too skinny and your skeletal frame is causing concern among unnamed friends. Cmon, Mischa, eat a few pies and give us a smile! Great, now if you’ll just — Oh, no wait, a few more pounds — A few more — No, that’s too many pounds, Mischa. Mischa, please, will you never get this right?
XXRAY SPECS HIGHLY SCIENTIFIC SEXISM RATING: 7 out of 10
OK, boys, I know it’s sometimes not easy to accept hard facts about your love life, but I’m just going to bite the bullet. You know when you’re following a girl down the street saying “Hey lady” and “Nice tits” and “Why don’t you sit on my face?” Well, if she walks faster and looks pissed off, it may be that she’s just not that into you. Also, when you’re in a bar and some ice-queen bitch is hanging out with her friends and not even looking in your direction, while it is possible that she is playing hard to get like we all know women do all the time because they are such ice-cold bitches, equally it is possible that she genuinely isn’t interested.
I know this is hard to take. But when you think about it, it all makes sense. Before, when you thought that every time you saw a woman outside her house it meant that she was probably just waiting for you to come up and persuade her how amazing it would be having sex with you, it would be a bit confusing when they would just sort of walk away or not act very interested in what you were saying. But once you’ve read ‘She’s Just Not That Into You’, you realise that it’s good to respect women’s decisions about their sex lives, give them space and not assume that they’re always playing games and messing with your head.
Yes, ‘She’s Just Not That Into You’ is a masterpiece of wisdom and wit, that will no doubt be… Oh hang on, wait, did I make a mistake here? Oh right. Sorry – what I meant was, this is a groundbreaking dating handbook that groundbreakingly tells women that they should shut up and wait for a man to pick them out and marry them. Even better, it comes with a women’s magazine that will probably also have an article about how to lose weight while giving amazing blow jobs (hint: 90% of your calorie intake should come from semen).
Getting ready for summer is so stressful – you never seem to have enough warm-weather clothes, you always forget to book holidays before it’s July already and everything is ten times normal price, and your breasts are the wrong size.
Although in winter, autumn and spring your disgustingly inadequate natural breasts can be hidden under voluminous jumpers, in summer everyone can see your shame as you walk down the street in a vest top displaying no more than the tits bequeathed you by DNA and a push-up bra.
As everyone knows, the female body is repulsive when left to its own devices and needs all the help it can get. Forget all this psychobabble crap about how you should accept yourself as you are – that shit can take years! Instead, take a mature, sensible shortcut and have your chest mutilated by a doctor. Celebrities do it – do you think you’re better than them? I should hope not.
Quick, now is the time to spend several thousand pounds on going under general anaesthetic and having a surgeon slice open the underside of your breasts and put silicon sacs inside. You may lose sensation in your nipples, but women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex anyway so that’s OK. You’ll be too busy to care – busy radiating that deep-seated, calm confidence that only cosmetic surgery can give.
Stand up and be counted, ladies. For far too long now, feminists have been pressuring us into thinking for ourselves and campaigning for equal rights. Well we’re tired of it! This week Persil are celebrating their 100th anniversary and as the first detergent manufacturer to feature a man in their adverts, we’re relieved to see that what theyre getting nostalgic about are the good old days when Mums saved up for pretty hats and bought their sons cricket bats instead. Phew!
Persil’s right – lets get back to what we really enjoy: making apple pies and not having a vote.
People are always lying and saying that they choose not to pursue relationships for complicated emotional reasons, but we all know that’s nonsense and the only reason a man might dump his girlfriend is because she isn’t hot enough. Thankfully new Wedding TV (no, us neither) show ‘So Would You Dump Me Now?’ is here to make women feel really good about themselves by implying that their break-ups were all their fault for not being attractive enough. Newspaper The Voice hunted down breaking news about Ericka, who got back at her cheating ex by going on TV and getting her teeth capped, and slapped it on the front page. The Voice is supposed to be aimed mainly at black people so this makes me feel sad not only for women but also for the entire black community. Good work, journalists!
Sometimes it gets so stressful having jobs and rights and a bank account and a sense of self-worth, and I get really nostalgic for the old days when all women had to think about was doing all the housework and childcare and getting hubby’s dinner on the table when he got home from work. So I was really glad to see that Marks & Spencer are bringing the good old days of oppression back with their 125th birthday ad campaign. “A main meal with man appeal”… “Pudding – she won’t forget”… Look at that man, he looks genuinely overwhelmed with joy! And she looks… kind of pissed off. Never mind that, the point is, we had it so good back then.
XXRAY SPECS SEXISM RATING: An impressive 9 out of 10, well done M&S.
Women! Having trouble getting out of bed in the morning? Struggling to cope with the demands of your monthly cycle and food digestion? Help is at hand! Remember, though, women and men will always be different, so while boys probably need help with all the sport they do in their “hectic lives”, us women are content to just be able to get through the month without dying of PMS. Probably these vitamins will make our hair shinier too. What’s not to like?
